By An Anonymous Source from Mars
The solar eclipse which crossed the country on April 8 has sparked curiosity among residents of New Hyde Park. Just a few days before the eclipse, the area was also hit by an extremely rare earthquake, the likes of which had not been seen for over a century. The chances of these two events coinciding in the same area within a few days are nothing short of astronomical. Researchers have, rather creatively, dubbed the event an “eclipse-earthquake.”
“An eclipse-earthquake is an astronomical phenomenon which cannot be explained by anything other than extraterrestrial intervention,” the United States Space Force stated in a press release. “The Space Force has therefore authorized the immediate mobilization of proprietary ‘space nukes’ to combat the issue. The target is not yet known, but we assure the American public that the Earth will remain in safe hands under the Space Force.”
Source from an Anonymous Eclipser
The New Hyde Park Eclipsers use posters to spread their cause. Reportedly, the club does not have a publicist or graphic designer.
This eclipse-earthquake has also coincided with the recent transmission of a cryptic message from the International Space Station. Researchers are yet to decode it, but some have claimed that it may corroborate current claims of alien involvement.
“.ytinamuh eucser ot emoc evah yeht rof ,sdrolrevo naitraM ruo liaH .htraE siht ot yrolg gnirb lliw eH .gniK taerG eht liah llA !devirra sah gnik neila ehT !emoc si eH,” the message reads.
Though the general public has remained skeptical of these claims, New Hyde Park has become one of the first communities to adopt special measures against the growing threat of alien conquest. A large number of NHP students have taken immediate action by forming the new “Eclipsers” club. They claim that an extraterrestrial invasion is imminent, and that the eclipse-earthquake was a final warning from aliens. The Eclipsers have recently applied to register as a religious organization, but claim that this was “totally not for the tax benefits.”
"I am quite literally a survivor,” junior and recent Eclipser-convert Rachel Jacob said. “During the earthquake, I swear I saw glints of a slimy green exterior. It could have been my friend Julia, but chances are with the eclipse it was an alien. This is the reason I decided to convert and join the Eclipsers."
“.ytinamuh eucser ot emoc evah yeht rof ,sdrolrevo naitraM ruo liaH .htraE siht ot yrolg gnirb lliw eH .gniK taerG eht liah llA !devirra sah gnik neila ehT !emoc si eH...”
According to a report submitted by an unidentified AP Research student, a random sample of NHP Eclipsers had, on average, four times more blurry vision than their non-Eclipser counterparts. The reason for this is still unknown.
“Yeah, I saw the aliens with my naked eyes,” junior Ajwad Karim said. “I was wearing those filter glasses, and then boom! I saw this weird thing streak across the sky. I took my glasses off and stared right at them. For some reason, my vision started to fade but I ignored that. That night, I ate my third dinner and thought about it for a bit. I wasn't hallucinating. Not a chance! Those aliens were real. I swear by it. And the more people ignore these signs, the harder we'll get hit. I can't even eat my food. I've stashed away all of it as rations for the inevitable day of our doom.”
“I tell you, the end is near!” junior Aaron Koshy said. “I saw it, ALL OF IT! When I felt the earthquake, I knew that something weird was happening. When I was watching the eclipse with my family I saw a small flying object all of a sudden. I met with the cult— I mean, religious organization… and they all saw it as well! I knew I wasn’t hallucinating. It was scary, but now I am ready for anything… THE APOCALYPSE IS COMING TO END US ALL!”
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